Success

“Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person.” – Leland Foster Wood

I chose to share this quote because I find too many people searching for “Mr/Mrs. Right”. Relationships involve two people who work towards the relationship. Key words being “work towards the relationship”. If you are looking for the “Perfect Mate”, then you may be looking for something that may not exist. Most of the time when one says, “He/She is the most perfect person I could ever find”, they usually mean they have found the person whose faults as much as strengths fit their style. This person is not perfect by any means. They are instead an invidual who is respectable, trustworthy, and worth their time. Now a days, it appears our society has fallen under the “All-or-Nothing, Can Always Do Better, Instant Satisfaction Needed” mentality. It scares me to even write that when referencing to relationships. Just imagine if you were in a relationship with someone who had that mentality? The pressure to perfect would be overwhelming. One would constantly be worrying about making a mistake, being replaced and/or cheated on, and never feeling completely adequate enough to satisfy their taste. Thank you, but no thank you.

Remember what you are asking for or becoming upset about when you disagree with your partner. Are your expectations reasonable to achieve? What if it was you who made the mistake? Do you have valid, OBJECTIVE reasons for your side of the argument? Overall in the relationship, is this an issue worth fighting for in order to maintain a healthy relationship? If not, why does it bother you so much?

Let’s Talk About Sex

“Sexual problems don’t have to be fatal to your relationship, but they will be if you avoid dealing with them.”  – Barbara De Angelis

Do you believe that one should talk about sex to enhance the experience? If so, should the talk be in terms of likes, dislikes, or both?

There appears to be a lot of people who do not want to talk about sex when they first get into the relationship. One of the main reasons why couples of all kinds break-up, it’s an issue most hope is not a problem and yet discover it is. No one would argue with the idea people think about sex, whether male or female. Why is it then that it’s such an uncomfortable topic to discuss? Especially with our partner who is to be honest, trustworthy, and respectful to you without conditions.

I find it fascinating that there are books upon books for women regarding dating advice/tips. Not to mention the endless array of magazines who talk from “Keeping Your Man Satisfied” all the way to “How did Brad keep Angelina?” And yet for men, there are only but a few books directed specifically for them. A majority of magazines and websites for men discuss how to meet and sleep with women. No long-term relationship tips. No advice for staying with one’s partner. Only advice on how to get a woman to go to bed with you and please them once they are there. Books for women cover everything surrounding relationships. Some areas more than others, but at least a wide variety of issues. The only problem sometimes with women’s relationship books is they focus too much on how women can change themselves rather than managing their weaknesses and focusing on their strengths.

My thought is if one would look at the relationship book section, one would see why women are becoming more frustrated and aggressive in relationships while men become more clueless about how to be in a relationship. And if you are thinking there are more women choosing to become lesbian in orientation and men are becoming the unbedded Casanovas, think again. Instead, the divorce rate continues to increase, domestic violence rises, and unhealthy, unhappy couples continue to self-destruct with fidelity. Not a pleasant thought.

What to take from this post? A book/magazine can provide good tips and insight to issues surrounding relationships. However, the message appears to be different for each gender and the practice can sometimes be as hurtful. Read with caution. Find a reading buddy and discuss why/why not to listen to the advice given. Men: read and write. Spend time to see what’s going on out there in the dating world. Not the “BS” one-night stand life reading materials, but maintaining a healthy relationship stuff. Are women confusing? Yes, but not impossible to understand. Sometimes it’s not understanding why women or men are the way they are, but rather it’s understanding what they are doing that’s more important. If you understand what’s going on, most of the time the why will be answered naturally.

Books on Dating

I find it fascinating that there are books upon books for women regarding dating advice/tips. Not to mention the endless array of magazines who talk from “Keeping Your Man Satisfied” all the way to “How did Brad keep Angelina?” And yet for men, there are only but a few books directed specifically for them. A majority of magazines and websites for men discuss how to meet and sleep with women. No long-term relationship tips. No advice for staying with one’s partner. Only advice on how to get a woman to go to bed with you and please them once they are there. Books for women cover everything surrounding relationships. Some areas more than others, but at least a wide variety of issues. The only problem sometimes with women’s relationship books is they focus too much on how women can change themselves rather than managing their weaknesses and focusing on their strengths.

My thought is if one would look at the relationship book section, one would see why women are becoming more frustrated and aggressive in relationships while men become more clueless about how to be in a relationship. And if you are thinking there are more women choosing to become lesbian in orientation and men are becoming the unbedded Casanovas, think again. Instead, the divorce rate continues to increase, domestic violence rises, and unhealthy, unhappy couples continue to self-destruct with fidelity. Not a pleasant thought.

What to take from this post? A book/magazine can provide good tips and insight to issues surrounding relationships. However, the message appears to be different for each gender and the practice can sometimes be as hurtful. Read with caution. Find a reading buddy and discuss why/why not to listen to the advice given. Men: read and write. Spend time to see what’s going on out there in the dating world. Not the “BS” one-night stand life reading materials, but maintaining a healthy relationship stuff. Are women confusing? Yes, but not impossible to understand. Sometimes it’s not understanding why women or men are the way they are, but rather it’s understanding what they are doing that’s more important. If you understand what’s going on, most of the time the why will be answered naturally.

Healthy Relationships, How Do You Know?

Many have wondered, “How do you know your partner is the One?” Flip that question around and you get the question, “What are some early signs that a relationship won’t work out?” However you look at the glass, you must look at the glass for what it is. Men and women will differ on how they see the glass they call their relationship.

For example, men might look at their relationship as being physically exciting, easy going, minimal drama at best when things are going good. When it’s going bad, men may see the relationship as being a “ball-n-chain”, a duty rather than a choice, or an involuntary, social probation officer (at best). When men feel the relationship is going to the crapper, they tend to avoid, deny, or get caught up with attention from others (consciously or unconsciously).

Women, on the other hand, tend to look at what I call the “Emotional Closeness” meter. Women tend to judge how the relationship is going by how close they feel towards their partner. More specifically, women consider a couple different factors: 1. Dedication to Quality Time, 2. Attention given to them and not others, 3. Actively engaging in conflict resolution, and yes ladies and gentlemen 4. Sex. Women’s “Relationship Gas Tank” begins to flash red when men pull away from them physically. Women know something is up, little or big, when a man begins to decrease their physical attention towards their partner (CAUTION: This does not apply to all men. Just because a male begins to pull away physically, do not assume he is sleeping with someone else. A caution sign, but not a stamp for 100% cheating). Therefore, when women sense the “emptiness” feeling, they attempt to search for the physical comfort. Some times in the right places. Some times in the wrong places.

From what I’ve witnessed for same sex couples, there seems to be at least one partner who pulls away from the other. Similar to heterosexual relationships, same-sex couples tend to drift apart as their partner’s faults tend to increase in intensity and/or occurrences.

After reading above, if you are still worried about your relationship’s life expectancy, you are either really emotionally invested or already half-way out the door already. If you are the one who is emotionally invested, you are reading this hoping to know what NOT to do or things to look for within your own relationship. Word of advice: Don’t do that. If you go looking for something wrong, you’ll find it. Let the good times roll and don’t bog your mind with “What If” scenarios. If you are the already half-way out the door individuals, take a moment to think about where you are at as well as where you maybe going. You have doubt. That can happen from time to time. However, if your gut instinct is not being assured by the positive aspects of your relationship, then you pass go while collecting $200. The most important thing is that you are able to honestly tell yourself, without a doubt, if the relationship was finished today, you would be okay. No maybe. No I could be. A “yes I will be” should be the answer. Depending on your perspective, some individuals can accept a little doubt in their relationship without it effecting its quality. Others have more of a “All or nothing” clause. A reason why I think our divorce rate is as high as it is.

If you have anything to add or questions, you are more than welcome to post. Knowing what is a unhealthy/healthy relationship is important to know. For some people, they are never taught or shown a healthy relationship. Hence this blog’s creation.

What Would You Do?

What would you do? While on a blind date, your date begins to talk about their Ex. Not once… not twice… but numerous times they mention something regarding their last relationship(s). What would you do?

1) While they are talking, you are finding your nearest exits and leaving

2) Listen and attempt at any opportunity to change the subject

3) Sympathesize and share a story or two of your own

4) Flat out say, “I’m not your Ex, so let’s move on already.”

Barking Up the Wrong Tree

What are some signs, “You are Barking Up the Wrong Tree”?

We have all heard (or embarrassingly enough experience) of times where an individual has pursued someone who was taken (in a relationship, engaged, married). There are even other times where the one being pursued is of different sexual orientation (gay or lesbian). I hear more times from straight women, “I thought he was gay?!” When in reality, they are actual caring, nice guys. Switch things around, straight men will often say, “She’s a lesbian?” In other words, there are mixed signals from both sides, and both orientations, on who to pursue and who not to pursue.

My question is how does one know they are barking up the wrong tree? The sometimes called, “Gay-dar” methods are not always bulletproof and apply to everyone. However, here is the opportunity to address the urban myths of detecting sexual orientation.

Off-Limits Dating

Off-Limits Dating:

Recently I heard a discussion regarding uncomfortable dating situations. To be more specific, it was a debate on whether it’s appropriate or not to ask out one of your friend’s ex? The debate included a story about a female who originally dated and evidentially married one of her ex-boyfriend’s buddies. The husband eventually grew apart and did not hang out with his friend (her ex) after a year. As part of the discussion, others talked about people they have dated (e.g. their ex’s sister, best friend, relative, ex-husband, client) and how awkward it was at times.

For all you fans out there of “How I Met Your Mother”, one of the episodes mention the “awkwardness” hanging out with your ex. Within the group of friends, three of them dated one another. Ted’s ex-girlfriend pointed out how their relationships were affecting their current and/or potential relationships.

My question, therefore, is: Who do you consider off-limits for dating? What issues do you see in dating your friend’s ex, sister/brother, client, etc.?

Deal Breakers

Deal Breakers

Excuses are like butts, everyone has one. As much as everyone has one, they seem to be unique for each person. When it comes to relationship preferences (emphasis on preferences), there are a lot of reasons why relationships would not work. For example, I had a woman tell me before she would not go out with a “Mama’s Boy”. When asked to define “Mama’s Boy”, she explained someone who constantly attends to their mother for almost all their needs (“Mama said…”). I had a man tell me he would not go out with someone who had little dogs. To him, a woman with a small purse dog meant TROUBLE. They can be weird. They can be common. They can be shallow. They can be whatever. Whatever they are, they are the individual’s prerogative. For it is the individual who has the deal breaker who must deal with the consequences that come from it.

My question is what are some deal breakers for you?

Taking One For The Team

Taking One For The Team: We’ve all have had moments where we have sacrificed our personal preference(s) in order to provide joy for our partners. These moments can be quite humorous (during or after the matter), boring, “Nails On Chalkboard” boring, surprisingly enjoyable, and sometimes moments of “I’ll never forget the time…” Regardless of how the end result was for that moment(s), the most important thing is to remember you chose to pursue the happiness of your partner rather than yourself. Why? Love. Some might argue and say because I wanted to get something in return. For those who say that, beware. It’s only a matter of time in which your partner will catch on. However, love drives us to enjoy another person’s happiness. Not just anyone, but the one who shares their life with you.

That’s all nice and dandy, but ladies, could you please stop dragging men to go shopping for hours on end, looking at the same item of clothing for at least 20 minutes without debating if this is or is not THE ITEM for you? And men, could you please stop dragging women to what appears like mindless, violent, guns blaring, sex driven, cheesy acting, curse-fest of a macho man movies? If your partner likes them, great. If not, don’t do it. Yes these are stereotypical things women and men are accused of doing. However, I still hear couples complaining about how their partner wanted them to participate in these type of events.

Bottom Line: Know your partner. Discover each person’s “Me” time interests as well as your couple’s “We” time interests.